So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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