He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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