from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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