Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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