Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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