i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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