Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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