The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
