Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
