if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
