Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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