it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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