I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
