Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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