Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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