That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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