So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
