i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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