why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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