I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
