i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
