I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i think my cat just said my name.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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