you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
