how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
