I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
