When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
