She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
