Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize