There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
