3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize