Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
