Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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