Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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