Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
