Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
