I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize