saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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