Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think I won the penis lottery.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize