When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
