Rock
Scissors
Fuck
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
40s are totally the cure
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
