From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
