They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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