Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
