When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
