So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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