Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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