If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
