they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
