Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
