your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So much rum. So many feels.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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