When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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