Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
