Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
