I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
