i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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