i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My ass is underappreciated
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
