Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize