Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
