areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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