it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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